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Friday, March 7, 2008

A Whole New Blog, A Whole New Me

I had to start a whole new blog (on an aside, it's hard to find a name no one else is already using, and it really pisses me off when I finally think of the perfect title and it's taken, but there hasn't been a post since 2002, but I digress...)
So I had a blog for a few months, just so I'd have a place to put my thoughts down. It turned into a really sad thing, and when I'd read over my posts, I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. I hated myself, and for no good reason. I mean, I could stand to lose a few pounds, my hair has some grey, you know the drill. Anyway, somehow this made me less of a person, not deserving of love or happiness or anything good, yadda, yadda, yadda...
A few weeks ago, it all came to a head. I was sitting at the top of my stairs on a Saturday morning looking at my phone in pieces (not broken, just the battery out) because I had thrown it down the stairs because no one had called me in about 24 hours. How insane is that? Then I just broke down, thinking about throwing myself down those same stairs, and what would it matter, and who would care. I made a mental list of who would miss me if I was gone, and let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty list. We're talking parents and siblings (and not even all of them) and a friend or two (okay, really just one). I was a mess, I could hardly function. I went to church that night and the sermon was really good, our current series is about being broken and surrendering your life to Christ. The sermon that weekend was "Examine Myself with Fearless Honesty" and was about looking at yourself through the eyes of God, and seeing what he sees, and not letting all these things get to you (the things I was letting get to me). Then Sunday, I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition and it changed my life. Laugh if you want to, but I'm serious. Let me start by saying that I love that show, but haven't watched in faithfully this year, but they were going to be in the good ole Bluegrass state, so I had to watch. They were redoing a house for Patrick Hughes, a UofL student who is blind and is in a wheelchair and has the greatest outlook on life I have ever seen. He said "God made me blind and unable to walk, Big Deal..." and I literally felt like someone had smacked me in the face with a brick. Here is a guy who can't walk, can't see the new house his family is getting, and he's fine with it, and here's me, 29, a homeowner, great job, good friends, great family, put myself through grad school, and I was seriously thinking crazy things about how no one would miss me if I was gone and what did I have to live for just because MY PHONE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MISSED CALLS. What a brat, what a spoiled selfish brat I was being. So I changed, I decided to think positively and look on the bright side and stop feeling sorry for myself and count the blessings I have. And I have. It's been three weeks and I am doing well I think. Let's hope and pray it continues. My leaf has turned over...

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